Retrospective thankfulness

Retrospective (adj): Looking back on or dealing with past events or situations.

We had gathered in our customary circle at shift change, taking turns sharing what we were thankful for that week.  "I'm thankful for the things we used to have," one of my fellow nurses confessed.  "I'm thankful for ensure, and 10cc syringes..."  I found myself nodding along, thinking of the intermittent supply challenges and all the things that won't be back in stock until the next field services.  I remembered, too, the other field services when we were short on saline, or tourniquets, or alcohol swabs, and reminded myself that it was good to be thankful for the things we still had, not just the ones we didn't anymore.

It's easy to be retrospectively thankful.  To think back on all the things that used to be an unappreciated and commonplace part of our lives and remember how great they were.  It's been especially easy to practice retrospective thankfulness at the end of this field service.  There are a lot of things I've been glad that we used to have.  In March I wrote about our Ensure shortage.  To be honest, for most of my nursing time here I hadn't thought much about our Ensure supply.  Once it was gone, though, I was thankful we had once been stocked with cans and cans of Ensure.  When the smooth peanut butter ran out, I was thankful we used to have some, and when the blender died two weeks ago I shook Nalgene bottles of milk and peanut butter, hoping to get the chunks small enough to fit down an NG tube, and was fiercely thankful for the blender too.

It extends over into my personal life sometimes, this thankfulness for past blessings.  I'm thankful we used to have hot water, even though we haven't had it much in our cabin since October.  Now that the acid bugs have returned with the rainy season, I'm thankful for the long months without them, and when the vacuum system breaks I remember that we once had a working toilet.

Living a life without can be a good reminder to appreciate what still is.  It can be easy to brush past the everyday, not realizing that sometimes the normalcy of everyday is a blessing, too.

I am thankful for the things of the past, but I am more thankful for the reminder of the present.  How often do I stop in gratitude for a simple meal, remembering those who have none?  I have clean clothes and my own (small) space to store them, a loving family, a safe home despite the riots that are scattered throughout the city.  Shoes that fit and the ability to read, a face that I can recognize in the mirror - not one I have to hide in the dark in shame.  Finding joy and blessings in life, choosing to rejoice in ALL circumstances...this is a choice.

I choose joy.

For each thing I no longer have and learn to creatively and cheerfully live without, I am reminded of all the amazing gifts I have been given that for me have become normal.  Retrospective and expectant, in all times and places and challenges of life, I choose thankfulness.